What happened?

“What went wrong and where do I go from here?”

As a general rule, an affair is usually a symptom of other problems in a relationship.  Some can be fixed and others can’t.  Now is the time for each of you to fully examine not only your relationship, but yourselves as well.  Do you really want to “keep” the relationship or was it one that has run its course?  Are you better off just as friends or is there too much hurt from either side to ever reach a level of forgiving forgetfulness?

Can Your Relationship Survive an Affair? Should You Stay or Should You Go?

By: Sharon Rivkin

Few things put as much strain on a marriage as an affair. When we see affairs exposed in very public ways, played out in the news involving politicians, celebrities and athletes, we all cringe and say “that will never happen to me.” In reality, it happens to a lot of couples, rich or poor, beautiful or not. Infidelity is an equal opportunity relationship buster.

Finding the Seed of the Affair

When couples struggling with an affair come to me, I tell them no matter what the circumstances, an affair never happens out of the blue. It’s actually an extreme symptom of a relationship that’s been in trouble for some time. I also tell them an affair is a powerful catalyst that can either end their relationship or take it to a greater level of intimacy.

Even an affair that seems starkly one sided isn’t. It always takes two to dance the dance of a relationship and to create unresolved issues. Though to some this may sound almost blasphemous, the truth is, every affair has two victims. When the issues come out in the open, the couple has a chance to stop the victim cycle, and each person can begin to take responsibility for their own wounds.

I’ve found the best way to get to the heart of a couple’s issues, is to ask them about their first argument as a couple. Usually, there’s stunned silence and puzzled looks. For them, the affair is the only relevant issue. It’s as though a fire has burned all the oxygen and left them no breath for talking about anything else. But I find that in almost all cases, in that first argument, they’ll find the root of their struggles as a couple and the seed of the affair.

To Stay or Go

Why do some marriages not only survive, but they actually grow in the wake of an affair? Couples who make it through are determined to look at themselves and not just to cast blame on their partner. They recognize that the affair arose as a symptom of long standing problems between the two of them. They have a strong desire to make their relationship work. They understand that the work will not be quick and easy and they adopt a realistic time frame. Deep down, they know they have a genuine love for one another.

If both partners sincerely work on the relationship, glimmers of hope will spring up all along. For most people, however, it seems to take at least a year to move through the full cycle of renewal.

When couples don’t stay together, it has less to do with the particular circumstances of the affair than with the couple’s long term history, and with their willingness and ability to explore it. Sometimes it seems the reservoir of resentment and hostility is just too overwhelming, and that so much damage has been done that there is little left to salvage.

When one partner cannot or will not do anything to change damaging behavior, then the only solution may be for the other partner to leave. To stay in a relationship in which one continues to be hurt reflects a belief that one deserves no better. It’s not a failure or a sign of weakness to leave a destructive relationship. Rather, it’s a sign of success and strength in oneself and heightened self esteem.

There is no “right” way to deal with an affair: some couples stay together, some couples separate. No matter what the eventual outcome, an affair challenges both partners to look at themselves and their relationship in a radically new way.

Author Resource:-> A licensed therapist for over 28 years, Sharon M. Rivkin, MA, MFT, is the author of The First Argument: Cutting to the Root of Intimate Conflict and developer of the “First Argument Technique,” a groundbreaking method that heals and saves relationships. For more info go to http://www.sharonrivkin.com

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It happens to the best of us. Communication is such a fickle thing, and the lines of communication can become blurred every so often, especially when feelings are involved. Even those who think that they are immune to the confusion of conflict can find themselves drawn into a communication breakdown when they least expect it, and chaos ensues.

This happened to a friend on the weekend, and until to be quite honest, it took them by surprise. Even those of us who are better equipped than many others are not immune. A few cutting words from a loved one, hurt feelings, and a defensive retort that left both with regrets. It was a silly argument, over something as simple as a misplaced bottle of soda, the lid off the juice, or newspapers not picked up. But to them, it represented something much deeper that had been simmering away for a couple of weeks until the frustration reached breaking point.

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There was intense frustration at having to search for something when it is not where it was expected to be. Worse still when one person shifted it and the other didn’t know the first place to begin searching.

Searching for that particular shirt or needles and thread, lost car keys, a document missing from a drawer, missing covers for the outdoor chairs, all were examples of instances where the house had to be turned upside-down. A moment’s thought or a supportive reply when these things were discussed would have saved a lot of time and frustration. And the answer that was received? “You need to open your eyes and organize yourself better”

This off-hand comment characterized the undercurrent of misunderstanding and lack of compassion that had been running through the relationship for quite some time. One partner did the majority of the household chores and felt aggrieved that their efforts weren’t recognized.

Praise or gratitude was not expected, but simple recognition was. Getting told that “I don’t expect you to tidy the house or cook my dinner every night” was interpreted by my friend as ingratitude, and hurt her even more.

So where to from here? My friend’s partner felt guilty at coming home every night to the perfect household, whereas she felt guilty if it wasn’t perfect. It was never about her trying to make him feel guilty, but it seems it did. And this is where the communication fell down. He misinterpreted my friend’s efforts, and she in turn misinterpreted his response.

Communication, communication, communication. My friend needed to be considered when things were not put back in their place. When two people live together it involves and adjustment in routines, habits, and attitudes. Some consideration of her feelings needed to be taken into account in order for the relationship to move forward.

There was a need to voice frustrations before they get to boiling point. What was needed was a commitment to talking about feelings more often, and in such a way that both partners could do so without judgment or consequence. Open communication was the key to their success, rather than suppressing feelings.

When people feel guilt or stress, it leads them to act funny ways. Often stress and guilt are barriers to communication. The key to overcoming them is to recognize what it is, and have the courage to talk about it. You might be able to do it as a couple, or you might want the help of a friend who can listen to the way you are communicating with each other and offer insights and advice.

They got it sorted out, and kissed and hugged. It wouldn’t hurt so much if you didn’t feel such love at the same time. But it serves as a good reminder to all. Sometimes you get so wrapped up in your own emotions that you forget to think of the other person. You also need to entertain the possibility that you are misinterpreting each other. Talking about it is the way to expose the miscommunication and let the healing begin.

A problem shared is a problem halved…

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